I don't know where to begin with this really..
But yeah, I'm defeated.
As you've might have noticed; my posts have deteriorated the last couple of years. I haven't posted as much, and nor have I put any soul to it either.
It's not that I don't want to post looks for you guys, it's just.. so much around me that's messing me up.
And it's hard to find the drive when I don't get any feedback at all. I don't know how many times I've asked what you guys want to see, yet no one answers. I really don't want to sound like a whiny kid, but I put down a lot of time and energy on to making the makeup, edit and post. A little feedback would be nice, really.
I've been doing this since 2009 and all together I've gotten around 500 komments on my blog.. It's kinda hurtful really...
But that's not all that bothers me. I have personal things going on, and it's all just catching up on me now. Which kinda sucks.
I've started to question my abilities to do makeup, thinking that I'm not good enough. Because I've been woking my ass off with what I've got. I don't have alot of money, so I don't have the ability to get the things I might require to to certain things. But I still work my ass of to make those things I do. And yet, there's people who barely does a thing, and they blow up and get somewhere. People who haven't even done this half as long as I have. I know I sound petty and stupid rambling about this. But it just gets to me. It hurts and I feel stupid and not good enough.
It probably doesn't make much sense, but I think it might have to do with my illness, which just makes everything worse.
No, I don't need thousands upon thousands of comments telling me how talented, beautiful, good etc. I am. What I want is conversations, opinions, like if there's a special look you want to see, a tutorial, a brand you're curious about, things like that. constructive critisism etc. I don't need minions loving everything I do. I want people who makes me strive to get better. Do you understand?
I know this post is all over the place, but I'm basically writing down everything I've bbeen feling the past few years. So bear with me please.
4 years ago I got kicked out of school for a shitty fucking reason. And the months before that the school seemed to have taken a special interest in making me feel absolutely stupid and worthless. I've told them about my mental health. That I sometimes might not have the energy to even get out of bed, but I'n going to try my best antway, because I really want to fix my grades. And they started to use that statement against me. When I was really sick, I got a nasty cold that made me stay home a couple of weeks. And the teachers started calling me a couple times a day almost harassing me, saying "oh maybe it's your mental illness and you just need to get up and brush it off?" You know, stupid things like that. Which just made me want to go to school even less. But I did anyway. And all of a sudden I was back in my teenage years, where I HAD to go to school even though I was really, really sick. Because my stepdad told me I was lazy and made me do housework even though I ran a high fever and barely knew my name. Fun times.
And the teacher also made fun of me for what I wanted to be when "I grew up" (we were a bunch of 18-30+ year old people, grew up was such a stupid phrase) and I told them that I wanted to be a makeupartist. And they sighed and said "any REAL job you want to do?" Mind you, this was infront of the whole class, and I felt so stupid and just, ugh. But I managed, I said that makeupartistry IS a real job, and without it they're favourite movies, shows, photos, magazines and commercials most probably wouldn't have been the same without it. But that wasn't good enough, so when I answered Photographer they just let out a BIG sigh and said "and what can you do with that?"while looking at me like I was stupid. Again, I kindly said that without photogeaphy and videography they wouldn't have they favourite movies, shows, photos, magazines and commercials. Because those requires someone to be a photographer and such. Of course they got quiet and didn't know what to say. I've just put them in their place, twice none the less in front of the whole class when they tried to ridicule me. and then shortly after they decided to kick me out because of the most ridiculous accusations I've ever heard. Coinsidence?
It left me feeling pretty shitty, defeated and just worthless and stupid of course.
But after that, as some of you might know, I started to follow the band I'd name it Marla around more per request of taking photos of them live. It was awesome and really fun. At first. Until almost half of the band turned out to be greedy ungrateful fuckers, that didn't give credit to me, nor give me a thank you for all the work I out down FOR FREE, for THEIR sake and to be nice. Of course this started to rub me in the wrong way. They took for granted that I was going to be there and take photos. Even though they never said thank you. I got shit because I was sick one day and couldn't take photos of them. I mean. Ungrateful much?
Anyway; I got enough when some anonymous started to comment on the pictures I took of them and started to act really Shitty agains me. Calling me self proclaimed when it was the band who SPECIFICALLY asked me to take photos. And just acted like a real piece of shit. I asked the band to do somekind of statement. Instead of letting me defend myself all the time. But they kinda didn't care. So I got enough. I wrote out a looong letter to everyone of them, even those who weren't cunts. Letting them know how I felt, how ungrareful they were and such. And that blew completely up in my face. The two that were the assholes in the band started threatening me, no. Sorry. one of them got their BIG BROTER that I didn't know to start threatening me (still have the screenshots) AND my boyfriend. Shit got fucked up. The mean commenter on the photos got even nastier. But got REALLY quiet when I wrote out "FUCK YES i know who you are now", turns out it was one of the shitty members girlfriend. No wonder they didn't care.
But yeah. That whole ordeal left me feeling like a piece of shit. Since people started blaming me for breaking up the band. When the truth is that those two shitheads were about to get their asses kicked out of there. How do I know?
I dated the leadsinger. I knew for a while that they were gonna get kicked out of the band.
Almost a year after that I lost one of my closest friends, because he'd rather believe in a girl he's been together with a couple of months instead of me who he has know for a couple of years.
Didn't matter that we took care of him when he was high on exctasy for a couple of hours, missed the band we wanted to see. We wanted to make sure he was ok. Because he had a bad tripp. (Don't do drug kids. Really.) and we didn't want to leave him and be assoles. Like his girlfriend. 6 hours we sat there with him. Making him think of other things, move around, make him laugh and such. She was no were to be seen, THEN she decides to show up. After six hours. And tells me that SHE was with him when he took it, but she didn't take any. (this was his first time also). And then she proceeds to tell me THAT SHE LET HIM GO AWAY ALONE TO GET WATER. I was FUMING when she told me this. first rule around someone who takes something the first time: YOU DON'T LEAVE THEM ALONE. Especially not on a fucking festival with 10 000 people. Her defense? "He's a grown up, he can take care of himself"... yeah. Maybe. WHEN HE'S NOT HAVING A BAD TRIPP ON FUCKING EXCTASY!! I've never wanted to hit anyone harder in my life. But since I know how to behave I didn't I just told her to get the FUCK out of my face because I didn't want to see her anymore. Of course she started to cry, and scream profanitys at me, and then run away, leaving her boyfriend alone, AGAIN.
So we proceeded to take care of him. Making sure he was alright, have him drink water and such. and when he started to come down he got tired, and we felt it was ok for him to sleep since most of the things he did (he was shaking, crushing my hand, grinding his teeth etc) Had stopped. So we went to bed everything was fine. We went up in the morning, packed our things to go hone. still everything is fine. And then a few weeks after that. He comes out of nowhere and acts like the biggest ass.
We've heard from mutual friends that his girlfriend tells everyone what a piece of shit people we are because SHE was the one taking care of him while WE were partying. Sweetie no. I know you're young. And couldn't handle how badass and experienced I was. But that lie makes you look ugly as fuck. Trust me honey.
So yeah. Again I felt like shit. Fucking awesome right?! Loosing one of your best friends because he'd rather listen to a girl he's known for a couple of months, than people he's known for YEARS.
I was hurt. And felt more worthless and stupid. I've tried to pick myself up from that one, but haven't managed yet. It just sucks.
And lastly; last year, I lost one of my oldest friends. No, there was no falling out, no one acted like an ass. She passed away, not even 30 years old. Leaving three kids and a lot of hearts empty and broken. I don't know exatcly what was the cause for her to pass away. All I know is that she was sick alot. And ll they could find was an infection on her lungs. It sucks. And it left me absolutely heartbroken. I was going to visit her when I was close to her town (she lived far away from me) but that didn't happen since she passed away before I could. So yeah. Pretty devastated by that.
It's just been so much shit happening the last couple of years, and I've tried to kinda deal with them and then forget them. But they're still there, poking at me, making me feel like shit. On top of the cale that is this mess; this summer it's bern 10 years since my dad passed away. And that's making me feel.. I don't know what to be honest. But man 10 years... I never thought that would happen. Don't ask me why, bit that's just.. Wow...
I'm sorry for this super lengthy post. I gess I just needed it to get out. I don't know what to do at the moment. I want to keep doing this, but I have no motivation or inspiration at the moment. Hence me feeling defeated. I barely get out of bed. I barely get out of my appartment. I barely meet people. It's all a mess in my head. But I'm going to make it through somehow. I know I will.
Again; sorry for this long ass post. And if you've read it all kudos, you're a real trooper. If not, I understand. Why would anyone want to read the ramblings of a broken person, who can't seem to do anyhthing right with her life.